We're Not Here Right Now
by ObsidianSickle
Summary: Ever wonder what would be on the answering machines of the ToS cast? Get a glimpse into their lives as we join Yggdrasill fighting to defend his fashion statement, Yuan who lost his ring down the sink, Sheena trying to hunt down Zelos, and more! Hiatus
1. That's not very Interesting

Hi guys. This is going to be the first non-romance fic that I've ever written…but then again, my sister was the one who came up with the idea so…yeah. It's just basically a fic showing what the people of Tales of Symphonia have on their answering machines, dubbed the Altessa Machine.

But before we get started, the disclaimer! Let's see, who should we pick…? Ah, Colette, if you please.

Colette: What me? Oh all right. Ahem. Drieldwin and her sister, Cherry-sama do not own Tales of Symphoni-aaaaahhh! (trips over backwards) Oops! I think I ripped the disclaimer.

Drieldwin: (face palms-) Colette….

* * *

/Lloyd's Answering Machine/

Lloyd: Dad, tell me what this is again?

Dirk: (heard in background) Lloyd, I told you, it's the invention Altessa and I worked on after the Dirk-a-Phone.

Lloyd: So what's it called?

Dirk: It's an Altessa Machine.

Lloyd: What's it do?

Dirk: When someone calls the Dirk-a-Phone when you can't answer it, it leaves a message of what he or she says.

Lloyd: That's all it does? That's not very interesting…

Dirk: You can record a note to tell people to leave a message for when you come back.

Lloyd: Cool! Can I try it out? …What! Ah! It was on all the time when we were talki—?

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ Um…Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Lloyd? This is Colette calling. I'm really sorry to bother you right now. I'm sure you're really busy with something. I shouldn't have called; I'm just a bother aren't I? I'm sorry. The reason I called was to thank you for explaining how the Altessa Machine works and um…oh dear…I forgot what else…I'm sorry. I'll go now. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 2: _Lloyd! Have you seen that idiot of chosen, Zelos! This is Sheena here. I caught that pathetic pervert spying on me in the shower, AGAIN! If you see him, tell him he is going to suffer the wrath of Sheena Fujibayashi. He will pay! (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Hi, Lloyd, this is Genis. I'm calling you because I think I might have to cancel our fishing trip this weekend. I asked Presea if maybe she'd like to go to the Altamira Amusement Park with me. I haven't gotten word back from her yet, so I'll keep you posted. Bye! (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ Lloyd. This is Kratos. This is a truly interesting device that Dirk and Altessa were able to create. I am calling to remind you that you need to still read that training manual that I gave you. You do need to read it, Lloyd, cause your sword skills really suck. (cough) I mean, you need to become better at your technique. Farwell. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Hello, Dirk. This is Raine calling to congratulate you on creating this marvelous piece of technology. I simply must find out how it works! Maybe I could come to your place sometime and you can show me how it functions. I think I might have accidentally ruined our Altessa Machine by accident and somehow jumbled up the message that Genis and I recorded, so if you could show me how to fix that too, I'd be grateful. (starts to hang up the phone when you can hear Raine exclaim "MARVELOUS" in the background) (click)

* * *

Drieldwin: Okay, I hope that didn't sound too weird or anything.

Cherry-sama: Weird? It's supposed to sound weird! (does Raine's ruin-mode laugh)

Drieldwin: Uh…no, it was supposed to be funny...

Genis: You guys have a twisted sense of humor.

Drieldwin: Quiet brat!

Genis: You sound like Zelos.

Drieldwin: Why you! (chases after Genis)

Cherry-sama: (sighs) Anyways. Please review.


	2. I think it's Broken

Thank you so much Lemurian-Girl, Kraty addict, Luciado and baka-schala-neko-chan, for your reviews.

To Lemurian-Girl: Yes of course we're having another chapter! Here it is! And there will be many more to follow.

To Kraty Addict: Well, my sister came up with the idea and wrote part of it, and I've been throwing in a few of my own ideas. So basically be both wrote it.

To Luciando: I'm sorry to say that we haven't read that fic /

To baka-schala-neko-chan: Not exactly positive, but I hope you'll find this chapter more funny than the last.

* * *

Drieldwin: Mwahahahaha. We're here to terrorize you with more weirdness.

Cherry-sama: (goes to Raine's ruin mode) YES!

Raine: Do I seriously look like that when I come across a ruin?

Drieldwin and Cherry-sama: (nods)

Raine: (blushes and buries herself in a book)

* * *

/Colette's Answering Machine/

Colette: Hi everyone. I'm really really sorry, but I'm not available right now. I apologize. I'll try to be around more often so you can get a hold of me and—whoops! (loud crashing noise is heard and a faint voice of "I think I broke it…" is barely audible over all the static)

#BEEP#

_Message 1: _Hi Colette. This is (static) Lloyd. You don't (static) have to keep apologizing all the (static) time. I think what you (static) wanted to let us know is that (static) you broke your Altessa (static) Machine. I'll come over and (static) fix it as soon as (static) I can. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 2: _(faintly) MWHAHAHAHA! (static) This is Mithos (static) Yggdrasill! You cannot (static) evade (static) me! I will make you (static) Martel's vessel (static) if it's the last thing (static) I do!

(a voice is heard faintly in background) You're holding it upside down…

Yggdrasill: What do (static) mean I'm holding it upside (static) down? Oh…(click)

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Hello, Miss Brunell. (static) This is message from the Welgaia Department Store regarding your order. Unfortunately, Lord (static)Yggdrasill decided to terminate our company. We will be (static) unable to deliver your jacket. Sorry for any inconvenience.

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ Oh! (static) What a marvelous specimen! I'm sorry Colette, I'm terribly sorry to bother you right now…except I must study this wondrous (static) machine more! I wonder why there's (static) all this static. I wonder how Dirk and Altessa managed to make such a thing. Genis wouldn't let me take our Altessa machine apart for study. (mutters) I could probably (static) go and take Zelos' machine and he probably wouldn't even miss it….Hmm…I must come up with a plan in which to break into his house. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Hmm. This is (static) interesting. Hello, Colette. This is Yuan. I'm still trying to find out how this Dirk-a-Phone works. I've been dialing (static) random numbers and it looks like I've finally (static) found one that works. The only sequence of numbers that previously worked was 9-1-1, and because I didn't have an emergency to report, some guys in uniform (static) came and tried to give Yggdrasill a fine, not realizing that I was the one who called…he took care of them though…(sounds of Yggdrasill yelling "JUDGEMENT" is heard in the background, followed by screams and the sound of charred bodies being kicked into a closet) (click)

* * *

Drieldwin: (sighs) Those poor people in uniform.

Yggdrasill: Those inferior beings tried to fine me! ME! Lord Mithos Yggdrasill!

Cherry-sama: It's okay Yggdrasill, they deserved it.

Drieldwin: You only think it's okay cause he's third on your list of the hottest guys in the game!

Yggdrasill: Really?

Cherry-sama: (blushes)

Drieldwin: (pukes) You sicken me Cherry-sama…


	3. You ruined It!

Drieldwin: Okay! Everyone's favourite part! Responding to the reviewers! (If you didn't review, shame on you! You could be mentioned here if you did!)

Anyways, carrying on.

To **Queen of White Dunes**: Yes we were kicking bodies in a closet XD Actually it was Yggdrasill… (points accusingly and is murdered by Yggdrasill)

To **Sofaspud23**: lol, Botta will be involved at the Renegade Base Altessa Machine. They mayor would be a good idea…except that I don't think anyone would want to call the mayor…maybe the mayor will call someone else…hmm…this requires some thought…thanks for the idea!

To **Art Vincent Musicanova**: We know there are other fanfictions that involve answering machines out there. We've seen one for Shaman King and even one for Dragon Ball Z or Yu-Gi-Oh (we can't remember which). One of our reviewers has read another one for Tales of Symphonia (which we were completely unaware of). My point is, that it's a popular topic and it's fun to do.

To **GyppyGirl2021**: … Okay, well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I applaud you in your openness. I think you and Cherry-sama will be able to agree very often.

To **IchiIchigo**: Yes, Lord Yggdrasill has terminated their company, and you'll find out why in a few chapters.

To** animefreakgal456**: You flatter us. We'll be sure to bring more!

To **dragonXbloodX**: Aww, thank you for thinking this fic is worth adding to your favourites. We promise we'll try to make it worth your while!

To **Luciado**: XD lol, okay maybe it's not a fic, but we'll just call it one for the purposes of keeping it on this site. Shhh! Don't tell a soul XD

* * *

Drieldwin: Okay! This is the third and final part of our fic!

Cherry-sama: Final?

Drieldwin: Just looking to see if any of our readers freaked out. Haha! There's one! (points and laughs)

Zelos: That's a squirrel…

Drieldwin & Cherry-sama: Whoa, where'd you come from?

Zelos: Does that matter? I'm just here to see my two favourite hunnies! (insert picture of heart here)

Drieldwin: (whaps with rotten fish) Get away from me you perv!

Cherry-sama: (constantly whaps Zelos with broom) How dare you!

Zelos: Ow ow ow ow **ow ow ow ow **OW!** OW! **Hey! That hurts!

Drieldwin: Anyways, while Cherry-sama is beating him up…let's take a look at Raine and Genis' answering machine.

* * *

/Raine and Genis' Answering Machine/

/Original Recording/

Genis: Hi! You have reached the household of the Sage siblings. Unfortunately, we are unavailable right no—Raine! Where are you going with that Altessa Machine!

Raine: I'm going to study it of course! I have to find out how it functions!

Genis: You'll only end up breaking it! Now bring that ba—(cuts off)

/Current Recording (After Raine studied it)/

(A mix between both Genis and Raine): You have reached the household of the Altessa Machine! Where are you going with the Sage siblings? Unfortunately, I have to find out how it functions! We are unavailable to study it of course! I'm going to end up breaking it. Now bring that Raine!

#BEEP#

_Message 1_: Raine! I told you not to expirement with the Altessa Machine? Now look what you've done! The message is all jumbled up and weird. No one will leave any messages! I even wondered if I had dialed the right number. You call Dirk up right now and find out how to fix it! (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 2_: Hi Genis. It's Lloyd calling back to say that it's okay if you can't make it fishing. I made arrangements with Kratos—I mean Dad—to go visit the Renegade Base. I'm so excited!

(Kratos in background): You'll just get bored.

Lloyd: Grr, shut it…(click)

#BEEP#

_Message 3_: Aha! I'VE FOUNDYOU ZELOS! Actually, no, I haven't. Sorry about that outburst Genis and Raine. It's just that if Zelos was in the area, my shout would have hopefully flushed him out. Altessa Machines are quite useful that way. Okay, well, I'm going to try another number. Zelos is hiding out there somewhere. And he's only hiding because he knows, that when I find him, I am going to unleash Maxwell's power on him! (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 4_: Hi Raine, this is Linar from Asgard calling. We've made a very exciting discovery that you should see! We've found some ancient texts that predate almost all of our ruins! They date about 10 000 years ago! We've managed to discover that at that time, the population of Asgard was suffering from a plague! Okay, that doesn't sound very wonderful, but the thing is a race of aliens came down and cured the entire city. They called themselves the Asgard and in thanks, we named our town after them! Recently we've found a ring-shaped device that we suspect will get us in contact with the aliens again! I was hoping you'd come and see it. Harley's typing in the address right now! (loud whooshing sound is heard in background) Actually…I'll have to call you back…A big wave came forth from the ring and engulfed Harley…lets just say that I can only see his smoking shoes left…(click)

#BEEP#

_Message 5_: Hello Genis. This is Presea. I would like to inform you that I would like to go to the Altamira Amusement Park with you. However, I am unable to make it this weekend…perhaps the next… T-thank y-you f-or (clears throat) asking me. (click)

* * *

Colette: (digs through the pieces of the ripped disclaimer) Yay! I found it! Ahem. It says: Drieldwin and Cherry-sama do not own Stargate either, which is mentioned in message four of this chapter.

Lloyd: So…why do you get to listen to our answering machines?

Drie: Um…cause we're nosy stalkers from a secret organization that have been keeping tabs on all of your lives since the incident where you set Dirks beard on fire.

Lloyd: Hey…how'd you know about that?

Drie: Cause we're nosy stalkers!

Cherry: And cause we work for Kvar and the Angelus Project and we want your exsphere!

Drie: Great! You just blew our cover! That's it, you're on your own! I'm sending in my resume to the F.B.I., C.I.A., and the N.I.D.!

Cherry: You can't ditch me! It was your idea! You said we should stalk them; I ask why and you say because they have interesting lives. I say no, I don't want to. And the only reason you wanted to stalk them in the first place is cause you're obsessed with Kratos!

Kratos: …

Drie: Well, You only went along with it cause you think Yuan and Botta tie for first place on your list of the hottest guys in Tales of Symphonia!

Cherry: They do not! Botta is much uglier than…wait…how is this relevant?

Drie: It's relevant in the fact that…um…I dunno… you've just gone and confused me.

Lloyd: You like BOTTA?.!

Cherry: I DO NOT!

Drie: Do too.

Cherry: (steals Yuan's weapon and chases Drieldwin with it)

Lloyd: (sweatdrops) Anyways…please review.


	4. Spandex One Piece Pajamas

Drieldwin: Omg, I am soooooo sorry for not updating sooner! It's just that I kinda...accidentally... got a life…(shifts guiltily)

Cherry: I told you to update sooner! You're such a big lazy bum…

Drie: (cowers)

* * *

/Cruxis' Answering Machine/

Yggdrasill: Hello, you have reached the Cruxis Headquarters. Unfortunately, none of us superior half-elves are available to answer the stupid Dirk-a-Phone. We are either busy trying to capture the Chosen for Martel's Vessel, or trying to get our hands on those pathetic Renegades. Leave a message after the beep and I, Lord Yggdrasill, powerful Leader of Cruxis, will get back to you as soon as I feel like it.

#BEEP#

_Message 1: _(giggles and muffled laughter are heard in background) Drieldwin: Hello, this is Miss Amelia Ellingwier. I am the current head of the Fashion Police Squad, and I am calling to give you a warning. It has been reported that Mr. Mithos Yggdrasill has been seen walking around the world wearing spandex one-piece pajamas. If you do not change your wardrobe by the end of this month, we will come ourselves and burn every article of clothing you own and give you a fine of thirty million gald. Being badly dressed in public is a federal offence! You have been warned! (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_Lord Yggdrasill, this is the Welgaia Department Store Manager. I would like to apologize profusely for the little incident with your outfit. I had no idea that people would end up accusing you of wearing spandex one-piece pajamas. If you are willing to reinstate our company, I assure you, the designer of that outfit will be fired. Thank you for your time. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Kratos, this is Yuan calling. I would like to ask you to quit putting my Dirk-a-phone number down on websites that you decide to join. I'm tired of having telemarketers call my Base all the time. They just won't take no for an answer and they don't seem to want to take me off of their phone list. If this continues, I'm going to have to take a leaf out of Yggdrasill's book and start preparing my closet to receive charred bodies. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 4: _Lord Yggdrasill, this is Pronyma calling. I am calling about a problem that has arisen at the Iselia Human Ranch. It seems that Forcystus is refusing to accept the terms of the contract that you have recently written. You know, the part where it says that all of your followers have to follow your fashion statement. He says he absolutely refuses to walk around in spandex one-piece pajamas! I told him that it didn't matter what they look like because the only people who are going to see him in it are people who are wearing the same and those inferior beings… Still, he won't listen! Of course you know that if he refuses to accept the terms, the progress of the Age of Lifeless beings with grind to a sudden halt. He is being absolutely unreasonable, please come as soon as you can and beat some sense into him! I want to see him in that sexy outfit! (cough) I mean um… (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Um, Mister Yggdrasill sir, this is Colette Brunell calling. Um, I know you want me for Martel's vessel and I know you really miss your sister, but I'm afraid that I'd rather help Lloyd save the two worlds. Oh, I'm sorry, I was rambling wasn't I? You see that's not why I'm calling. I'm calling to ask if you could reinstate the Welgaia Department Store just long enough for them to deliver my new jacket. You see, Lloyd said he would take me skiing in Flanoir so I need the jacket so I don't catch a cold. Please, could you do that for me? You don't have to if it's too much trouble…I'm really sorry for bothering you. (click)

* * *

Drie: Hahaha! I wanted to do that one the most!

Cherry: If you wanted to do it so much, then why did you take forever to update?

Drie: Umm, cause I only had one idea for it and that was saying that Yggdrasill wears spandex one-piece pajamas….

Yggdrasill: I do not! JUDGEMENT!

Drie: (dies)

Cherry: Woo! Way to go Yggy-sama! Now I can have her stuff!

Drie: (bursts back to life) No you don't! (hordes it all in here closet) Hey….are those charred bodies in my closet? O.O

Yggdrasill: (whistles innocently)

Cherry: (sighs at Drie and hugs Yggdrasill) Please review! n.n


	5. Yuan vs The Kitchen Sink

Drieldwin: Finally I've updated after approximately what seems to be 1000 days! Or something like it. I'm sure a lot of you have been awaiting this chapter so I'll try not to keep it from you any longer

* * *

/The Renegade Base Answering Machine/

Yuan: Hello, you have reached the number of the Renegade Base—

Botta: (heard in background) Lord Yuan, yo—

Yuan: (speaking slightly louder)—Unfortunately we are not available to answer the Dirk-a-phone right now—

Botta: (Still in backgroud) Lord Yuan, I—

Yuan:—If you wish to reach the Tethe'alla extension, dial 574, if you wish to reach the Sylverant extension, press—

Botta: (still in background, sounding slightly desperate) Lord Yuan!

Yuan: (annoyed) What! What is it? I'm a little busy right now if you didn't notice!

Botta: (apologetically) I apologize Lord Yuan, but I came to tell you that your engagement ring just fell down the drain in the kitchen sink.

Yuan: WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT! (The sound of someone running away followed by loud noises that sound remotely like someone trying to dismantle a sink with a two-bladed sword is heard in the background.)

#BEEP#

_Message 1:_ Yuan, this is Kratos speaking. Yggdrasill is still somehow unaware that you are the leader of the Renegades. Anyways, because he cannot seem to locate you, he has asked me to forward this message to you. Yggdrasill recently received a message from an Amelia Ellingwier stating that if he did not change his wardrobe he would have his clothing burned. This woman also said that being badly dressed was an offence against the government. Yggdrasill is angry and confused because he _is_ the government therefore this does not make sense, and he has concluded that the call has probably come from within the ranks of Cruxis. He has assigned you to finding out who this Ellingwier woman is and to exterminate her from Cruxis.

#BEEP#

_Message 2:_ Hello Lord Yuan, this is Botta speaking. I wish that you hadn't gotten so agitated over your engagement ring and attacked the plumber when he failed to get your ring out of the drain within five minutes. It didn't help him that you had bent the drainpipe out of shape with your weapon. I hope you're happy to hear that the Flanoir Doctor said that the plumber is expected to make a full recovery. On the other hand, the company is threatening to sue. I hope you have some method of explaining to Yggdrasill why you're being sued when the incident in question occurred in a Renegade Base. You know as well as I how important this operation is. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 3:_ Hiya Yuan. This is Zelos speaking. I'm having some slight problems right now with my life, mostly involving an over sensitive summoner. I was hoping I could hide out at the base for a few days to, you know, lie low. I'm calling in that blank cheque you gave me when you asked me to spy on the Chosen's group. I need shelter!

#BEEP#

_Message 4:_ Hello. My name is Thomas Whitbee. I am the lawyer of the Mr. Malcolm, the plumber that was recently hospitalized after a visit to you base. Mr. Malcolm has informed me that he was trying to get a ring out of the sink as fast as he possibly could. I do not yet know who caused him his injuries, however I would like to try and learn more about this incident, perhaps from someone who was present at the time. Please call me back at 555-6785 so that we can arrange a lunch date. Thank you and good-bye. (click)

#BEEP#

_Message 5:_ Hello Yuan, this is Genis calling. Raine started talking to me a few days ago about trying to learn more about magitechnology and was thinking of making a trip to your base. I would NOT advise letting her near any of your bases. She recently purchased a tool kit from Meltokio and has been taking everything in our house apart trying to figure out it works. Last time she visited Desian ranch, she accidentally set of the lockdown emergency procedure and everyone who was inside was stuck there for days. On the other hand, if you want to make your base impermeable to intruders…then you might want to get her to set it off…or you might want to set it off prematurely, to keep her out of your base… Just thought I'd warn you. Bye (click)

* * *

Drieldwin: That is all for now! I hope to update soon, but knowing me, that won't happen. I plan on doing all sorts of other answering machines, including Sheena, Regal, Presea, Zelos and others! So don't worry!

Cherry-sama: Don't worry? You never update! Unlike me…who tries to update every Wednesday…

Drieldwin: Well you try and juggle school finals, sewing classes, homework, and responsibilities as such, and update at the same time!

Cherry-sama: First off, your finals are over, unlike mine and I'm still working on more fanfics than you! Second off, sewing classes are over since that fashion show you had! Third off, you have no more school, no more homework! Fourth off, I just canceled out all of those 'responsibilities' so what do you mean by 'as such'? Fifth off, all in all, you can update with all this spare time!

Drieldwin: ….My last final was yesterday! And….well… I am a busy person!

Cherry-sama: So?

Drieldwin: You have no idea what my life is like! You have it so easy, you are only (rambles on).

Cherry-sama: My life is much harder than you lead it to be! I still have finals, so (argues back).

Kratos: …I don't think we should try and interfere…

Lloyd: Yeah, blood might be shed….

Sheena: Please review while we try to keep them from scratching each eyes out…


End file.
